There And Back Again (But Please Not in a Kia Next Time)
Making Bilbo and Frodo proud: one greasy meat pie and environmentally-savvy km of driving at a time.
I’m exhausted, my friends and I are at our wit’s end, and we’re lost for words (well, save for these).
It’s been a beautiful day full of dichotomies: it’s warm and raining outside, I’m empowered and fully depleted, and I’m balling out with a conversion rate and purchasing power I wouldn’t have back home.
Over the past week-and-a-half, I’ve traversed the most beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen in my life and been pushed to the depths of my personal limits for exhaustion and patience.
I guess over 1000 miles (not going to convey in km cause 🇺🇸AMURICA🇺🇸 )of driving between two islands (mostly in a janky Kia) and ferrying among the waves will do that to you
To give a TLDR chronologically, my trip has gone something like this:
- 13-hour nonstop flight to the big Z (New Zealand) from LAX. Auckland to be exact.
- Land, check-in to hotel, explore 4 miles of festivals and city streets (on foot) and take a ferry to and hike up a volcano and caves forged by the primordial scattering of ash and lava.
3. Body some lamb buns (Polynesian-style bao buns stuffed with lamb) meat pies, sausage rolls, (a hot-dog-sandwich type beat, but with ingredients you can actually pronounce).
4. Assemble the full squad the following morning and take off from Queenstown in our newly rented Kia Niro AKA The Shag Mobile (it’s groovy baby). Belligerently squeeze into our clown car with a touring musicians’ posse worth of gear, 4 sets of baggage and half-a-months-worth of day-to-day sustenance, a one-month musty-maxxed backpacking bag, and of course ourselves.
5. Shmack the best brisket and pulled pork of my life at a sleeper-build stall in Athol while en route to venue #1. Figure out we’re on the left side of the road and the turn signal is in fact on our right side. Immediately forget the turn signal is in fact on our right side and turn on the windshield wiper accidentally way too many times. Cruise to Invercargill (at the southern tip of the South Island) and explore the plethora of old car shops, home improvement stores, and charming small city vibes.
6. Commence show #1: Little Irish pub action (Waxy’s to be exact) and a quaint Irish round of standards after.
7. Commence show #2 (yes, the same night and immediately AFTER show #1): Trek to the Invercargill Musician’s Club for a set of raucous working class belligerence, kind people, and of course, a little “Parting Glass” finisher with ya boy on lead guitar (albeit not my guitar). Slide some late night KFC drive-through fare (that hit way too hard), pass out, and it’s time for the next day.
8. Get some breakfast and fill up on some local South in South Island fare (some fish chowder, Asian-infused meat pies, and boujee coffee), head yonder northwest past the local Fjords (and dive into some elk pie), and into the the Milford Sound AKA the most beautiful place I’ve ever experienced. Don’t forget: turn signal is in fact on our right side (immediately forget the turn signal is in fact on our right side and turn on the windshield wiper accidentally way too many times).
9. Back to the Fjordlands after dark to crash and get hooked up with some generous, free pizzas (yes, free) by an immensely kind family-owned business. Would give 20 stars on Yelp if I could.
“Good night” .
You say to your aching back after hours of ramming into backseat gear in your glorious Kia.
10. Onto the next frontier: Queenstown (yes, a bit of backracking for a sidequest to retrieve a forgotten travel guitar). Grab some very peak-mid kebabs (among the only culinary misses this trip), and haul a mighty few hours southeast towards Dunedin. This would prove to become among my favorite cities this trip. With a unique blend of historic Scottish and Chinese settlements within its confines, Dunedin is truly a one-of-a-kind coastal city. Don’t forget: turn signal is in fact on our right side (immediately forget the turn signal is in fact on our right side and turn on the windshield wiper accidentally way too many times).
11. Show #3 commence: the Dunedin Musician’s Club. Another high-octane night of songs spanning everything from electrifying whale-hunting musings to satirical ramblings about Elon Musk. Meet up with some lovely French friends and Eastern Europeans from a nearby hostel and fire up a spontaneous, private “post-show show” with a successfully heckled Red Hot Chili Peppers rendition (had to dig deep into the memory bank to pull Under the Bridge off the dome) thrown in there for good measure. Round it out with some Hobbit theme covers on accordion and Macca’s (Yes, the local slang for Mcdonalds). What a night. Time to sleep.
12. The next day starts with an early riser type-beat. We really do in fact“be working on it”. Goes without saying that we indulge in some much needed breakfast bureaucracy (this time a local vegetarian and vegan haunt) to fuel the coming drive north to Ashburton. We enjoy some sweet interim scenery, accidentally use the windshield wiper, have a few spooky driving manuevers, and check into the Bella Vista where we enjoy some “luxuriously hot chocolate and shortbread” Bloom-brand goods. I also sneak out and finally hit a workout (my first in the big Z) and mog some unsuspecting Kiwis.
13. Cue in the next show: another Irish joint. Meet a backpacking local and discuss some Kiwi politics and the Based cornucopia that is the country’s fresh dairy and produce supply. Back to the Bella Vista and time to knock out.
14. Up and at em’ to the next frontier: Christchurch. Grab some light fare, mog some more Kiwis at the Quad Eatery (with my own quads), and continue on after exploring the city’s distinct art stylings and culture. Stop into a church I passed along the way…and pray (at this point, your propensity for motion sickness and sardined body are really starting to feel the impacts of the long drives). Continue on the road for several hours to the northern tip of the South Island (our longest drive yet): the scenic coast town of Picton.
15. Pull up to the hostel and take in the epic amalgam of “for sures” hitting every ounce of your senses: the eccentric and welcoming American owner who passionately bows to your Asian friend, the “Atlantis”-themed art and strange fish paintings, and the friendly and nifty cast of characters also staying the night. Drop everything off after getting the lay of the land and body an unforgettable seafood dinner at the same price as a mid-San Diego White Girl breakfast (a SDWGB if you will). Miraculously discover one of the four Grease-ateer’s (the name of the act is the Greasy Wheels) wallet still on top of the car (he left it there) after driving a few blocks.
God really has a sense of humor.
Drop off the bane of our existenc-I mean the Shagmobile off at the rental car station after hours and head back to the hostel for some more intellectually stimulating conversation with the other guests and a quick sleepy time situation…onto the North Island the next morning.
16. Wake up at the break of dawn (for real like 5am) and head a few blocks to the Ferry for our interim voyage up to the North Island. Figure out we’re on the left side of the road and the turn signal is in fact on our right-oh wait, that’s right…WALK to the Ferry and embark on a several hour voyage north. Jam some tunes with our freshly hauled guitars and catch some attention and iPhones filming you onboard to pass the time as you succumb to motion sickness. Arrive in Wellington (the southern tip of the Northern Island) and claim our majestic, Kiwi-mogging Ford truck (cause 🇺🇸PURE AMURICAN POWER🇺🇸BABY).
Don’t forget: turn signal is in fact on our right side (immediately forget the turn signal is in fact on our right side and turn on the windshield wiper accidentally way too many times). Grab some pho (cause why not) and get some much needed guitar repair (pickup was had become busted in the midst of travel) from the Fuzz Doctor (really his name). Dude is an absolute unit as it turns out and proceeds to repair and show off some legendary skill in under an hour. Chill, sneak out and mog some more Kiwis at the local gym, and diverge paths as the boys play a show and I knock out, really feeling that driving and motion sickness-maxxing.
17. Wake up and immediately head off to Lord of the Ring max today: Mount Doom, Hobbiton, and up to Hamilton to rendezvous with a new homie. Drive 7 (yes 7 hours) in our new Shagmobile and literally feel like dying in the back seat with the most intense road sickness-maxxing yet. Pass by some breathtaking cliffs and views of New Zealand’s plains, picturesque landscapes, and Mt. Doom itself. Have some prayers said over me (yes, really) and move forward and wake up pulling up to Hobbiton fully revitalized like Gandalf the White. Experience Hobbiton and take in the magic of the moment while embracing our own hero’s journey up to this point and nerd-maxxing over the dichotomy of loud tourists and thorough guided tours of the various Hobbit homes and greenery.
18. Leave the magic land entranced and finish up in Hamilton; dropping off our stuff and meeting with the final homie, putting away some dank Indian food, exploring the vibrant downtown bars and pubs, and hitting the hay.
19. Wake up and suprisingly sleep in a bit and haul our way back up to Auckland (only about 2 hours north) in a full-circle trek. Drop off our stuff, explore more of Northern New Zealand’s finest landmarks, and finish up the day with a view from the downtown Sky Tower, some more Indian food, and catching another set at a nearby pub. Off to bed from here and ready for our final days in this magical country.
20. Wake up, sleep in a bit again (shocker I know), and explore more of the city. Irish-max at a local cathedral for some St. Patty’s mass, inhale some excellent Jewish deli-fare, peep some novelty records at Marbeck’s Records (among oldest record store franchises in the world) and grab some souvenirs for the road. Back home to reconvene with the lads and cap off some St. Patrick’s Day antics with, obviously, fine Thai dining. Back to bed.
21. Wake up and split up as some of the homies head home today (but not I). Hit some quick, last minute hikes up Auckland’s gorgeous Mt. Eden, grab some local Chinese soup noodles, and learn about the Haka and Maori culture at the Auckland Museum. Finish up back downtown as we get the last of what we need and back home for a relatively early sleep send.
22. Up and immediately off to the airport for our return home. Its been real and we’re all working off of 1 (probably more like 1/2) brain cell (s).
Different people every day. Different city every night. Different elevation every hour. Different weather every minute. Different meat pie flavors every bite. Finally time to go home. Board the plane. Head back home.
I reflect on this journey. The trials. The unexpected turn signal fumbles. The “for sure” tribulations of driving on the left side of the road and not always having the right-of-way as a privileged Californian. The unexpected sickness. The unexpected emotions. The unexpected laughs. The unexpected nift. The unexpected inside jokes. The unexpectedly wonderful, genuine people. The unexpected food quality. The unexpected country. The unexpected beauty toppling my already high standards.
It has been a ride.
It’s time to rest.
Until we meet again New Zealand (hopefully soon). Thank you, God.
“It’s like the great stories, Mr. Frodo, the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad has happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines, it’ll shine out the clearer. I know now folks in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going because they were holding on to something. That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.”
-Samwise Gamgee
